Being Held

This week’s lectionary readings evoke what Keith White senses is the best metaphor for attachment within children:  being held.  In order to grow and learn and form new relationships, we need a secure base from which we can emerge.  White suggests child development is fueled by a desire to love and be loved that includes security (attachment), boundaries, significance (see July xx), community and creativity.[i]

Bowlby[ii] introduced the concept of attachment among children and families several decades ago:  It is the idea that an infant comes to feel secure within the relationship with his or her parents so that she can take risks and know that if she has a problem or faces failure, she can return to her parents welcome arms.  Parents both welcome and let go, never holding children back from exploring but ready to step if only if need be to protect their child. Spiritual formation experts have referred to this as a sense of covenant within the family.[iii]  Over the years psychologists and anthropologists have tested this concept and developed rating scales to assess how “secure” infants and toddlers are and perceive that the greater degree of attachment, the more successful the child will be in eventually taking care of him or herself.  We need to be both held and let go in order to take the risks necessary to learn and grow.[iv] 

The verses in Psalm 89 best voice God’s attachment with David: 

"I have found David my servant; *

with my holy oil have I anointed him.

My hand will hold him fast *

and my arm will make him strong.

No enemy shall deceive him, *

nor any wicked man bring him down.

I will crush his foes before him *

and strike down those who hate him.

My faithfulness and love shall be with him, *

and he shall be victorious through my Name.

…He will say to me, 'You are my Father, *

my God, and the rock of my salvation.'

…I will keep my love for him for ever, *

and my covenant will stand firm for him.

I wonder if these would be good words for infant baptism or dedication?  We invite parents to hold their children fast, to love them forever, to protect them, to be the rock for the child.  We urge parents to make their children strong.

I sense the real beauty, though, of attachment or security or holding fast is the interdependence it generates.  Children feel safe to explore but they also come back to give hugs of appreciation and honor.  Children who have secure relationships with their families are comfortable honoring and valuing their values and beliefs.  God tells of this in the later verses: 

"If his children forsake my law *

and do not walk according to my judgments;

If they break my statutes *

and do not keep my commandments;

I will punish their transgressions with a rod *

and their iniquities with the lash;

But here are the powerful words of attachment, of holding:  Even if David’s children forsake God, God promises…

But I will not take my love from him, *

nor let my faithfulness prove false.

I will not break my covenant, *

nor change what has gone out of my lips.

Once for all I have sworn by my holiness: *

'I will not lie to David.

His line shall endure for ever *

and his throne as the sun before me;

It shall stand last for evermore like the moon, *

the abiding witness in the sky.' "

Herein lies the hope for adults who never experienced these kinds of secure relationships as a child:  God invites each one of us into this holding pattern with Him.  As he did with David, he will love us, teach us and welcome us home.  His love will “last forever more.”  

Reflections with Children

In what ways do you sense your parents’ love and trust for you?  In what ways do they make you feel safe?  In what ways do they protect you?  Who else protects you and helps you feel safe?  Have you ever sensed God’s love for you?  If so, what made you feel that way?  What do you know about God’s love for you?  How do your parents help you get ready to try new things?  How do you feel safe in God’s care?  Think about the image of the children crawling up into Jesus' lap.  If you could do that now, what would you talk to Jesus about?  What feelings would you have inside of you?  How could you share God’s love for you with a friend who is fearful of new things?

Reflections with Parents and Children’s Pastors and Teachers

In what ways have you experienced being held by family, by friends, by a significant adult, by your spouse, by God?  In what ways do you have that sense of a trust-filled spiritual relationship, such as a through a small group who lives life together deeply?[v] 

In what ways do you offer consistency and constancy to children in your care?  How do we make our time with children predictable and calm?  How do we build trust-filled relationships with children?

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[i] White, Keith.  2008.  The Growth of Love:  Understanding the Five Essential Elements of Child Development.  Abingdon,     U.K.:  Bible Reading Fellowship

[ii] Bowlby, John. 1969. Attachment. Edited by J. Bowlby. Vol. I, Attachment and Loss. New York: Basic Books

[iii] The researchers suggest four elements need be present in relationships that help children grow:  Covenant, grace, empowerment and intimacy.  Covenant implies unconditional commitment, reliability, trust, history.   Grace is the merciful manner in which conflict, hardship, misfortune, mistakes, missteps are resolved as opposed to law, shaming, or public humiliation. Empowerment involves adults using their power for the child to use resources for the person in need rather than to exploit or compete. Intimacy, with trust and a sense of worth, enables us to know and be known, essential to nurture a child. The mature Christian relates the biblical basis of these components to the trinity, as well as between God and humanity and the church among the world. It is the integration of covenant, grace, empowerment and intimacy that lead to an interdependence and within each soul, a transformation to the best each can be (Balswick, King and Reimer  2005:51).  Balswick, Jack O., Pamela Ebstyne King, and Kevin S. Reimer. 2005. The Reciprocating Self: Human Development in Theological Perspective. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.

[iv] Before I spent my first summer as a camp counselor, I remember reading Summerhill by A.S. Neill in which he pointed out that it was children who did not have a secure relationship at home that felt homesickness:  Children who had secure relationships were comfortable taking risks and knowing home would be predictably the same when they returned.  Children who do not have secure relationships worry about the changes that might occur if the child is not present at home to be watchful.   I found this to be so true in my experience with children;  Those who experienced homesickness were the most fretful and needed reassurance in every new thing they were invited to try.  Those who took risks spoke about warm family relationships and activities

[v] Bill Hybels speaks about small groups as Christians who live life deeply together.  I have been blessed this week to be getting together with a group of 7 women who met for more than 5 years together once a month for a brown bag lunch and shared God’s insertion into our life experiences.  We have been apart since I moved away for work but we are prepared to pick up our conversation at the deepest level as if no time had passed.  True to women’s nature, we shared some of our deepest fears, failures and hopes in an atmosphere of security and trust and prayer.  It was life-changing for me.